It really is the cruelest of conditions. I have the most awful thoughts and urges of violence especially towards people and have done with varying degrees of severity for 25 + years. The last 12 months has been the worst – the terror has been with me from waking up to eventually going to sleep. I really don’t know how I cope; I’ve felt suicidal a lot of the time and stunned so much of my life has been dominated by this. I’m not after advice on treatment as I know the score. I’m really just venting because I’m so unhappy and horrified that coming up to 50 in a month this is still going on.
Yet in all that time, my guess is, youve never actually DONE any really bad stuff. The stuff you fear.
My way of coping is to say that, even if I am an evil, disgusting person, which I don’t believe I am, I’m simply a product of forces beyond my control. I don’t believe in free will, so, whatever is the case, why should I feel excessively bad about myself. I’m simply a product of nature. And nature has made me what I am.
